I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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