I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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