Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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