I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Let's get the cat blown out
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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