They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
