My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
