If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
