Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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