I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
did you just send me my own nude
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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