It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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