Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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