mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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