It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
