It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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