Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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