Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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