I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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