I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
