Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
