If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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