Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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