One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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