woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
