Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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