I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
