I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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