genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
