you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
