508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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