your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
