woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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