I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Buhtt sex?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
