he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
