this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
