Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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