You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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