She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
