literally had 100 drinks last night.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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