I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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