My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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