eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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