If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I love you.
Bad choice
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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