thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
