Screwed.edu
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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