youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
