i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
