I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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