What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
