Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
