i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
