A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
