Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
