i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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