I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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