I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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