It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
